Paid my dues
by blubachat2
Summary: Mac receives a call from Arizona her father is going to die and wants to make peace with her. During this emotional turmoil, Harm is a great support, friend and more.


Spoiler: SECOND SIGHT never happened, Harm never went flying and Brumby never appeared. This is my own take in SECOND SIGHT.

Disclaimer: JAG (Story and Characters) belong to DPB, CBS and PARAMOUNT. I derive no profit from this hobby. The bible verse is Ecclesiastes 3:1-4.

Paid my dues was originally used by Anastacia. However, after hearing a request for this song on the radio, I decided that it would be the best title for this Fanfic.

Authors note: Sometimes we do not get all the answers we want to have. Some things are left unsaid. We can forgive but never forget.

**PAID MY DUES**

Macs Apartment

The Washington 2810

Georgetown, Washington D.C.

0230 ZULU

Mac sat in her dark apartment, the only light came from the fire in her fireplace, and some candles Harm had lit up earlier.

The last 2 hours Mac had spent crying in Harms arms, now she sat on her couch and starred in the fire while Harm rummaged through her kitchen, preparing something to eat for her. She wasn't hungry, she had refused but in the end, Harm won.

Harm, who had been there for her all the time, since two weeks ago she had received a phone call that her father was going to die and his last wish was to see her again, and to get their problems out of the way.

At first Mac hadn't wanted to fly to Arizona to talk to him, but Harm had reminded her that Joseph Mackenzie was her father, even after all the bad things he had done in his life.

Harm had been a great support. He had flown with her to Arizona and he had never left her side during the last two weeks even at Joseph Mackenzie's funeral he had been there and now she never wanted to let him go again.

What had started two weeks ago, as an act of friendship was growing into something more serious.

2 weeks ago

JAG-Headquarters

Falls Church/ Virginia

Harm and Mac sat in Macs office, talking about her last case as the phone on her table rang.

"Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie."

"Miss Mackenzie, this is Nurse Hatcher from the Phoenix Medical Center. Do you know someone called by the name of Joseph Mackenzie?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked her.

"He is my father."

"Miss Mackenzie, I think it would be a good idea if you came to Arizona."

"Why should I?" Mac asked.

"Your father is about to die and this is your last chance to talk to each other."

"I don't know but I will take it into consideration. Goodbye" Mac ended the phone call. As she turned around and looked at Harm, she just shook her head.

"Tell me" Harm said.

"Joseph Mackenzie is going to die and he wants to talk to me one last time".

"Sometimes people finally do things right when they are about to die."

"Harm, tell me why?"

"I don't know. Sarah, the why you have to ask your father" Harm answered.

"He isn't my father, he never was and never will be" Mac said angry.

"Sarah please, listen to me. . . I am neither going to defend Joseph Mackenzie's actions nor am I going to judge him. I am not in the position to tell you if he was right or wrong. Many people made mistakes in their life but not all have the courage to beg for pardon. Sarah, sometimes we have to forgive them. Let us fly to Arizona, he is a dying man and it is his last wish. . . Sarah, I promise, I will be there for you, the whole time..

" Harm . . . I don't. . . Maybe it isn't. . I need you at my side in Arizona" Mac finally admitted, it had been hard to say but deep down she knew that she would need a friend.

"I will be there, promise" Harm said again.

"Thanks."

"That's what friends are for."

"You are a good friend Harmon Rabb junior,".

The next day

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

Harm was next to her as Mac walked towards the hospital room of her father.

The Admiral had granted them both some time of personal leave after Harm had explained what they were going to do. Talking to her father was something Mac shouldn't be doing alone.

Now they were standing in front of the hospital room. Mac froze in place, unable to open the door.

"I am not sure if I can do it," Mac whispered.

Harm placed his hand on her shoulder.

"I am here, I won't leave you," he simply stated.

"I can't."

"You can" Harm encouraged her.

"I am afraid. Harm, I have never felt that much fear. Not even in Bosnia or on the battlefield. Only when I am near my father," she admitted.

"It is ok to be afraid. That makes you human."

"When I was just a little girl it was forbidden to show any emotion. He would hit me harder if I started to cry. That's why I can't show what I really feel " Mac told him softly.

"Sarah, you are the strongest person I know. You are no little girl anymore,".

She was silent for a moment to let his words sink in.

"Come with me" she said and opened the door at the same time.

"Wherever you go" Harm whispered right behind her.

Joseph Mackenzie's Hospital room

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

Mac was shocked as she saw her father lying in the hospital bed. This wasn't the man who had caused so much pain and fear in her life anymore.

"Sarah?" the man asked hopefully.

"Yes . . . ".

Harm sensed Macs discomfort but he knew that she had to do it. She had to find peace concerning her relationship with Joseph before she would be able to live her life. The only thing Harm could do was to be there for her, his Sarah.

Mac searched his eyes. She had to look at him for reassurance. Harm nodded.

"I hoped that you would come because I wasn't sure, after all what was said and done in the past I didn't know if my little girl would come" Joseph Mackenzie said.

"I am not your little girl" Mac stated.

"Not anymore, I can see that you are a grown up woman."

"It's that the reason why the nurse has called me?" Mac asked impatient.

"No Sarah, I am a dying man. I want to get things right before I die. I hope you 'll be able to forgive me one time. I want to apologize" he said.

"A little too late for that?" Mac asked, her voice full of sarcasm.

She was about to turn around and leave but her fathers voice stopped her.

"I have not been the best father a child could have hoped for, you must think I'm a monster. I know that I hurt you. Sarah, I need you to understand what I did" Joseph Mackenzie said.

"You want me to understand why you beat my mother and me?" Mac whirled around and looked at him. Her eyes flashing with anger.

"I want you to understand what I did soyou can forgive me"

"I am not sure if I can ever forgive you. I hate you" she spat.

"It's ok to hate me, after all what I have said and done" he started.

"You mean what you haven't said. I always wanted to hear you say how proud you are, but it never happened. You called me a burden, brat, and other things I only want to forget."

Harm stood in silence, leaning at a nearby wall, watching the interaction between the two, ready to act if necessary. Nevertheless, it wasn't. Mac was capable of handling this situation, right now.

"I am sorry, Sarah" Joseph Mackenzie apologized.

"You think all you have to say is I am sorry. No, that's not enough. I want an explanation. Tell me why you hated me. Tell me why I hate you."

"Please sit down and let us talk."

Mac looked at Harm, her eyes locking with his. She needed him, his strength. Harm didn't do or say anything, he just held eye contact with her. Mac sighed.

"Let us start tomorrow morning,".

"Thanks Sarah."

"There is nothing to thank for. You owe me an explanation for everything," she simply said, turned around and left the room.

Harm remained in the room a moment longer then she had.

"Don't hurt her more then you already have" Harm warned him before he followed Mac.

Outside the hospital room

As Harm walked out of the room, he found Mac leaning against the whole.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked carefully.

"No, not yet."

"But when you want to talk" he started.

"I know."

In silence, they walked towards their rental car.

"Want to go to the hotel?"

Mac didn't answer. I need to be strong. Don't cry she said over and over again, silently. Harm turned his head to look at her. He immediately noticed that Mac was on the edge of crying.He reached out his hand and took her hand in his. It was just a simple gesture but for Mac it meant everything. Harm was a great support, she knew, he would always be there for her.

In the night

Mac's room

Phoenix Hotel

Phoenix/ Arizona

"Nnnnnnoooooo! " Mac screamed and sat upright in bed.

Harm woke up as he heard her screaming, a second later, he came running through the open connection door. He was at her bedside immediately.

"Sarah it's ok, it was just a dream," he said soothingly.

"Harm" Mac said and flung herself into his arms.

"Baby, it was just a dream, a bad dream. No one is going to hurt you, I promise."

"Don't leave me. Please. Don't leave me."

"Never."

They sat on her bed a while longer, until she had calmed down.

Macs sweat mixed with her tears as she let Harm guide her back to the pillow. Harm pulled her close, chanting soothing words, running his hand, with a soft touch, over her back and face. She held on until she was asleep.Even then she didn't let go, her grip just loosened. The night went without further incident. Nevertheless, Harm didn't go back to sleep until he knew that Mac was sleeping sound.

The next day

Outside Joseph Mackenzie's Hospital room

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

"You know, people say that life goes on and that eventually it will be better," Harm told her.

"I wish it would be that easy."

"Life is never easy but I will always be there for you" Harm promised her.

He took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks Harm for being there for me," she said and then she did something that surprised them both. Mac leaned forward and kissed Harm softly on the cheek before she let go of his hand and entered her father's hospital room, maybe for the last time, she didn't know if she had the strength to enter the room again tomorrow.

Inside the Hospital room

Mac moved towards her father's bed. He was sleeping now. She stood at his bed and looked at the man who had caused so much pain and fear in her life. This was her greatest enemy, her father!

Mac looked up and at Harm.

"He doesn't look like the man who caused so much pain , anymore," Mac stated.

"People change."

"Not Joseph Mackenzie" She said bitterly.

She stood there a moment longer, just watching, until her father stirred in his sleep and woke up a moment later.

"Hello Sarah" Joseph Mackenzie said as he saw his daughter.

"Hello." Mac was not able to call him Dad, not after everything he had said and done.

"Please, have a seat and let us start. My time is running out, it's almost over" he stated.

Mac took the nearby chair and sat down; she motioned to Harm to do the same. She needed him by her side.

After he sat, Mac reached her hand out and took his hand in hers.

"I am sorry," Joseph Mackenzie simply said.

"Oh, that's all you have to say?" Mac asked bitterly.

"Not only this. But I thought this would be the beginning."

"There is no beginning. I don't want one, not after everything you did."

"I know I haven't been a good father, I tried but I failed miserable."

"You have more then failed. Do you know how long I tried to forget everything you have said and done? Too long and I am still trying. You have beaten my mother and me. Do you know how often I lied at school about the marks on my body? Later, I started drinking to block out everything. You have always been a part in my life. I choose the wrong man, always a part of them was you. I couldn't forget you, I couldn't forget the man I hate most in my life, and you want to tell me that you did your best?" Mac was angry.

"Maybe it wasn't enough."

"No it wasn't" Mac said.

"It's to late for a second chance, but not for you to forgive me" Joseph told her.

"I am no priest. I can't give you absolution."

"I don't need a priest, I need my daughter. Sarah, I am sorry. I know listening to my babbling must make it harder than it already has been for you all the years. I can't say that the alcohol was my excuse for beating you and your mother. I have been the one who did it, not the alcohol. I hope that when I am dead and you stand at my grave you can forgive me. I still can't forgive myself. My wife ran away because she couldn't live with me, an abusive and drunken husband, later my daughter ran away but I couldn't ran away. I had to face myself in the mirror, every day in my life I had to live with what I did wrong."

Mac just stood up, she walked over to the window and looked outside.

"Not only you had to live with what you have done. I had to live with it, too".

10 minutes later

Outside the hospital

In the rental car

Harm took her hand and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"It's going to be ok" he reassured her.

"Promised?"

He wasn't sure if he should promise her that everything was going to be ok.

"We can try", he said.

3 hours later

Mac's hotel room

Phoenix/Arizona

After they had arrived at the hotel Mac wanted to sleep for a while. She had asked Harm to wake her up later.

When he had entered her room, he found her curled up in a ball on the bed in his old Naval Academy sweats, he didn't remember packing them, and as he thought about it a moment longer he hadn't seen his sweats in a while. Now he knew where they were.

"Didn't you hear me come in?" he asked.

She turned to look at him. Mac was crying. The front side of the sweatshirt was half-soaked and there were wet streams coming down both of her cheeks.

"I'm here, Sarah," he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her, trying his best to make her feel safe.

"Hold me, Harm. Just hold me," she said, as her tears continued to fall.

"I will. Do you want to talk about?" Harm asked carefully.

Mac didn't answer him, she just clung to him for dear life. Harm knew Mac would tell him everything when she felt the time was right. They sat there what seemed to Harm like eternity. Finally, Mac had calmed down and was now asleep, lying in Harms arms.

The next day

Joseph Mackenzie's Hospital room

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

Mac and Harm sat again at Joseph Mackenzie's hospital bed listening to him.

"I don't know when all went wrong. It just happened. At first, I only drank to forget, to block out. I had nightmares, my job was enormous stress, and I just wanted to sleep at night."

"We all have our nightmares. We all have to live with our ghosts but not everyone uses alcohol to block them. " Mac said.

"I haven't been strong. Later, I don't know why, but one day I sat at the breakfast table and I regognized, I was drunk."

"I remember it like it was yesterday."

"I got angry with myself. I hated me for drinking. There was so much hate in me. I couldn't live with it, I couldn't accept the fact that I was drunk most of the time. I remember your mother begging me to stop drinking. I don't know what happened, but the next thing I remember was your mother lying on the floor, that her lip bleeding. I was afraid of myself. " he told his daughter.

"Tell you what. You slapped your wife just because she asked you not to drink too much. I was in the room , too. I saw my father slapping my mother. Do you know how I felt that day? No, you don't. If you had, you wouldn't have done it again" Mac interrupted him.

"I am sorry" Joseph Mackenzie apologized.

"Do you realize that this was the day I started to hate you? Not only did you slap my mother, you hurt me too.You hurt me by hurting my mother. Then one day you were not only beating my mother but me, too. I hadn't done anything wrong but you made me feel like I had. You beat my mother and me for no reason. Do you know how a child feels when her father, the man she adores, calls her a burden? Do you know how it is when he tells her that he never wanted a child, that he would have been happy when her mother would have lost her during the pregnancy?

Mac stood up and walked over to the window, looking outside.

"I have been drunk most of the years."

"I remember everything. I will never forget it, thank you" Mac shot back.

Harm stood up and walked over to her. Suddenly Mac felt his hand on her waist, sliding around, holding her close.She felt his breath against her neck, his chin resting on her shoulder. She could lose herself in this embrace. He gave her a feeling of safety.

"Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, I could take back what was said and done. I knew that I have done everything the wrong way, that I hurt the ones I loved" Joseph Mackenzie admitted.

"You can't. No one can. Sometimes I ask myself why my mother hadn't taken me away with her. Why she ran away alone. I hated her for abandoning me with you, with an abusive and drunken man. Do you remember the day she left us?".

"It was my fault. I have been . . . I don't know what she calls me by now but back then, she said nothing. She just went away. I remember that I was lying on the couch, shouting that she should bring me more beer but she wasn't there, Deanne was gone and then, you stood in the room."

"She had left both of us. She never came back. Not even today she is here Mac said sadly.

"I asked the nurse to find and call her. But Deanne told the nurse she didn't want to see me ever again, that she hated me too much to ever forgive me."

That night

Harms hotel room

Phoenix/ Arizona

"Harm" Mac whispered as she entered his room.

Harm was sound asleep. Mac weighed her options.Every time she closed her eyes, the nightmare started.On tiptoes, she walked to his bed, lifting the bedcover and slipping under it. Harm didn't wake up but in his subconsciousness he sensed her presence, his arms went around her holding her to him.

4 days later

Joseph Mackenzie's Hospital room

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

In the last days Mac and her father had talked a lot about their past.Mac had cried and Harm had given her the safety she needed. He had been there for her all the time, at night he had held her.

Today Mac was maybe facing her father for the very last time. The doctors told them that Joseph Mackenzie had only a couple of days maybe only hours they didn't know.

Now she was standing on his bed looking at him.She was thinking about him, she remembered that once he had been her greatest fear and now, now he was near death and she couldn't hate him anymore for what he had done to her.

"Sarah I made many mistakes. I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me", Joseph Mackenzie said.

Mac was silent. What should she say or do? In the last several days, nearly every monologue her father had started with the words: I am sorry.

"Maybe I can forgive you, but I can never forget it," Mac said.

"I only want that later when you tell your children something about me that you don't feel hate for me, maybe then you can tell them that I made some mistakes but I learned my lessons" he suggested.

"I don't know what the future will bring us. I just know that we had a past, no present, and no future but I will never forget you,".

"Sarah, I have to tell you something else" he started.

"What?"

"In the past, I followed your career. I was so proud of my little girl who is now a Marine, a Major. Sarah, I am proud of you."

This brought tears to her eyes. Mac hadn't known that he knew so much about her, that he had followed her career and her life and she knew nothing about her father.

One hour later

Joseph Mackenzie's Hospital room

Phoenix Medical Center

Phoenix/ Arizona

Harm was alone with Joseph Mackenzie in his hospital room. Mac was outside, needing a cup of coffee and some minutes for herself.

"Mister Rabb, promise me something" Joseph Mackenzie started.

"What?"

"Make her happy. She finally needs someone in her life who loves her. She had never been really loved before."

"I. . . We. . . Sarah" Harm stammered.

"You love my daughter?"

"She means a lot to me," Harm admitted.

"Then love her. Give her s all the things I haven't been able to give her. I couldn't love my child, I was never able and now she maybe never forgives me"

"She said that she will" Harm interrupted Joseph Mackenzie.

"She said so. But I am a dying man, she could say everything."

"Not your daughter. She doesn't lie" Harm told him.

"She is" he started but couldn't finish the thought.

"She is not the scared girl anymore. Sarah is the strongest person I know."

"That's because she is my daughter" he said.

2 days later

Joseph Mackenzie's funeral

All Saints Cemetery

Phoenix/ Arizona

It was a very small funeral, just Harm, Mac and a priest. Harm and Mac were wearing their uniforms, Mac carrying a single white rose, her favourite flower.

Both were listening to the priest's words but the only thing Mac registered was Harms hand resting on the small of her back, his presence next to her. He had been there for her all the time. Harm had been a great support and help. He had held her at night when she had been crying, he had given her the reassurance she had needed sometimes, he had talked with her about the ghosts which were still hunting her - he had been the person she had needed most.

"To everything there is a season,

And a time to every purpose under the heaven

A time to be born and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that, which has been planted;

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance"

After the funeral, Mac walked nearer the open grave and threw the rose into it.

"Goodbye Daddy" she whispered, tears threatening to fall down.

Back to present

Macs Apartment

The Washington 2810

Georgetown, Washington D.C.

0245 ZULU

Mac didn't notice Harm walking back to the couch and sitting down.

"Sarah" he said softly.

"Yeah" she just said, still looking into the fire.

"Where are you?"

"I am here, in my apartment, with you" she answered, surprised by his question.

"I mean, where are you with your thoughts?"

"Arizona, my father, the last two weeks, you" she simply said.

"The last two weeks have been not easy for you" Harm said carefully.

"Yes and I was happy that you have been there for me all the time."

"Always Sarah" Harm promised.

There was a silence, only for seconds but it felt like hours for both of them.

"Aren't you going to say, don't make a promise you can't keep?".

"Why should I? Harm, I need you," Mac admitted.

"Like I said, I will always be there for you," Harm repeated.

"I need more than that. Always isn't enough, not anymore" Mac said.

"How long?"

"Forever, for eternity, until death do us apart" Mac stated.

Harm looked at the woman he considered his best friend for a long time.

Then, as Mac was sure that he would reject her, Harm did something Mac had only hoped for. He leaned forward and kissed. As he looked into her eyes, he could see the tears.

"Sssh, don't cry" he said and took her into his embrace.

Mac buried her face in his shoulder. Harm stroked over her back to calm her and planted a kiss on the top of her head. His reaction had been too much for her. She had waited too long for this moment and now she was crying in his arms.

She had never felt loved before and now she had Harm. He had shown her that he wanted eternity, that he wanted her.

"I always wondered about this." Mac said as she lifted his head to look into his eyes.

"You don't have to wonder anymore," Harm whispered as he captured her mouth in a passionate kiss.

This kiss was long and loving, and it had shades of the future written all over it. A happy future, a future together.

The End


End file.
